*Please start with the music below before reading the post*
I want to preface this post with a couple of things before people get upset.
I want to preface this post with a couple of things before people get upset.
- I am indeed married, and I love my wife very much
- While they do overlap, and i do consider my wife my best friend, this post has nothing to do with that
- I am an only child
Phew, now that i got that out of the way, I wanted to talk about my experience with friendship, or lack there of in my life.
While in middle school and high school, this is not something that I struggled with. I had a couple of close friends who i spent all my time with. Once i got to college, the concept of friendship was something that was really hard to grasp. When talking to others, friends in grad school, or just the students i work with, they all seem to have really close relationships with the people the went to high school with, and granted, most of them just graduated high school. I haven't talked to anyone from my high school, except from that one random DM someone sent me on instagram that she did on accident instead of adding the picture she wanted to, to her public instagrams. In addition, i do not talk with anyone who i went to undergrad with. I texted with one of my friends last year when i was in Utah, because he lived there, but other than that, nothing.
Even with grad school only being a year in my past, i only talk to a small group of them. I think my lack of friends are because of the following:
- I set really high expectations for my friends
- I am an only child and friends was something that was always a struggle for me
- I live in an old person town, not city, and work at the largest college within a two hour radius which limits those who i can consider my friends
- I work in student affairs
- I am married
First, my setting of expectations. I expect my close friends to text me once a week or snap me. I want to talk with them over Skype, on the phone, anything that has real connection, and not through texting. I want to feel like i am important to them and that they would be willing to drop plans to talk when im struggling or need help figuring out my life. I want them to randomly call me and see how i am, not something that i have to add to my schedule, i want it to happen organically, not as a convience
Second, my only child syndrome. While my mom considers me perfect, except for the 13th year i was alive, but that is for a different post, i have always wanted a brother or sister who i could always rely on. If you know IRL, you would probably say, but DJ, you do have a half sister, and my response to that would be, she really isn't that close to me. Once again, i think this would be a whole blog on its own, but my sister and I have a pretty strained relationship, whether she knows it or not.
Knowing about my struggle with friendship with correlation to my only child syndrome was not something i realized until i got into grad school and started to learn about building community, and the theory and science behind it. I realized that it was a huge area that i needed to improve on as a whole. I still have nightmares sometimes from when i was little. There was a close group of friends on my street, like 5 or 6 of us who would hang out a lot. If we were all playing outside or hanging out at someone's house, and i would go home for what ever reason, and come back to the group, everyone would be gone and i would feel left out. I think the fear of missing out, or FOMO is real for me.
Third, where i currently live is not a booming metropolis. I live in a relatively small town in Arizona, and while it is not the smallest city or town in the state, and has easy access to both Flagstaff and Phoenix, I am definitely out of my element. Like i mentioned in my first post, i grew up in the bay area of California, and lived in both Monterey, California, and Syracuse, New York. The Bay Area has a ton of stuff to do, in my high school years i spent most weekends in SF at concerts, or with friends hanging out. During undergrad i lived in a very touristy city, which also allowed me to do lots of things. In grad school i went to a school where there was a lot of school spirit and since most of my friends also worked in Student Affairs departments, there was always a lot of events and activities. TBH, in grad school i had very little down time to just not do anything. Either i was working on a paper, project, was on call, or had some plans with friends. Transitioning to a town, that does not exactly match my personality has put some strain on my social opportunities. This and the fact that I work at the largest college in the town, means that most of the people in this town are either college students, or old people who have retired.
Fourth, I work in a very social field. When considering the fact that those who choose this field are typically past RAs, members of Greek life, or those who planned programs in their undergrad, we mostly thrive in spaces where there is a big social life. While there are a lot of introverts in the field as well, IMO i think that being social is definitely something that you know is going to be a part of your job. Working at a school that has improved the amount of young professionals, but also have a large amount of older members of both the student affairs side and academic side, makes making friends really difficult. Even when looking at the other colleges in the area, most of them do not have young professionals at them, since like mentioned above, the colleges are located in a mostly older community, why would young professionals want to come here in the first place? This makes my feeling of isolation increasingly relevant every day.
Last, but certainly not least, I am married to a wonderful woman. This might be somewhat strange to bring up, but it is a factor. When looking at trying to connect with younger people, it is hard, because some days i really do not feel that young, and i am only 26. I feel like i am sometimes in this weird category of new professional in the field, while at the same time my spouse lives on campus. Once again, i want to make this crystal clear, i am not complaining of my relationship status, i am only looking at factors that might make relationships harder for me to create. I think there is some assuming, on both parts, myself and my future friends, that since i have a wife, i can not devote enough time to my friendships, which i do not think is fair and or true. In reality, i feel like i might try even harder to make my relationships more like the one i have with my wife, which, in my eyes, is strong and fair.
While writing this post, BuzzFeed, the source of most RA training videos and the Google of the millennial generation, posted a video about one of their producers who might be considered as an introvert, try and become more likeable for a week. The producer wore bright colored clothes, smiled more, and told jokes, as the BuzzFeed research department found that there was some relation between those things and one's likeable nature. At the end of the week the producer threw a party which got good reviews from the attendees, some of which the producer knew prior and others which she barely knew. This really got me to think, is there something scientific i could be doing to make myself more likeable? Would that be showing my most genuine self? Or just trying to give myself more reason to give excuses of why i am feeling like this.
Clearly this is something that i have been thinking about a lot in the last couple of years, because this is the longest blog post i have posted to date. I am always looking at new ways to improve so if you have any feedback and want to let me know, tell me!
This weeks music is from " The Airborne Toxic Event," and is entitled, "Something New." While the song is about a new relationship with a girl, i want to take the main themes of experiencing something new as a way for me try and do something new to change my life in the most positive way possible. I am always trying to keep an open mind when doing new things in order to get the most out of that experience.
Knowing about my struggle with friendship with correlation to my only child syndrome was not something i realized until i got into grad school and started to learn about building community, and the theory and science behind it. I realized that it was a huge area that i needed to improve on as a whole. I still have nightmares sometimes from when i was little. There was a close group of friends on my street, like 5 or 6 of us who would hang out a lot. If we were all playing outside or hanging out at someone's house, and i would go home for what ever reason, and come back to the group, everyone would be gone and i would feel left out. I think the fear of missing out, or FOMO is real for me.
Third, where i currently live is not a booming metropolis. I live in a relatively small town in Arizona, and while it is not the smallest city or town in the state, and has easy access to both Flagstaff and Phoenix, I am definitely out of my element. Like i mentioned in my first post, i grew up in the bay area of California, and lived in both Monterey, California, and Syracuse, New York. The Bay Area has a ton of stuff to do, in my high school years i spent most weekends in SF at concerts, or with friends hanging out. During undergrad i lived in a very touristy city, which also allowed me to do lots of things. In grad school i went to a school where there was a lot of school spirit and since most of my friends also worked in Student Affairs departments, there was always a lot of events and activities. TBH, in grad school i had very little down time to just not do anything. Either i was working on a paper, project, was on call, or had some plans with friends. Transitioning to a town, that does not exactly match my personality has put some strain on my social opportunities. This and the fact that I work at the largest college in the town, means that most of the people in this town are either college students, or old people who have retired.
Fourth, I work in a very social field. When considering the fact that those who choose this field are typically past RAs, members of Greek life, or those who planned programs in their undergrad, we mostly thrive in spaces where there is a big social life. While there are a lot of introverts in the field as well, IMO i think that being social is definitely something that you know is going to be a part of your job. Working at a school that has improved the amount of young professionals, but also have a large amount of older members of both the student affairs side and academic side, makes making friends really difficult. Even when looking at the other colleges in the area, most of them do not have young professionals at them, since like mentioned above, the colleges are located in a mostly older community, why would young professionals want to come here in the first place? This makes my feeling of isolation increasingly relevant every day.
Last, but certainly not least, I am married to a wonderful woman. This might be somewhat strange to bring up, but it is a factor. When looking at trying to connect with younger people, it is hard, because some days i really do not feel that young, and i am only 26. I feel like i am sometimes in this weird category of new professional in the field, while at the same time my spouse lives on campus. Once again, i want to make this crystal clear, i am not complaining of my relationship status, i am only looking at factors that might make relationships harder for me to create. I think there is some assuming, on both parts, myself and my future friends, that since i have a wife, i can not devote enough time to my friendships, which i do not think is fair and or true. In reality, i feel like i might try even harder to make my relationships more like the one i have with my wife, which, in my eyes, is strong and fair.
While writing this post, BuzzFeed, the source of most RA training videos and the Google of the millennial generation, posted a video about one of their producers who might be considered as an introvert, try and become more likeable for a week. The producer wore bright colored clothes, smiled more, and told jokes, as the BuzzFeed research department found that there was some relation between those things and one's likeable nature. At the end of the week the producer threw a party which got good reviews from the attendees, some of which the producer knew prior and others which she barely knew. This really got me to think, is there something scientific i could be doing to make myself more likeable? Would that be showing my most genuine self? Or just trying to give myself more reason to give excuses of why i am feeling like this.
Clearly this is something that i have been thinking about a lot in the last couple of years, because this is the longest blog post i have posted to date. I am always looking at new ways to improve so if you have any feedback and want to let me know, tell me!
This weeks music is from " The Airborne Toxic Event," and is entitled, "Something New." While the song is about a new relationship with a girl, i want to take the main themes of experiencing something new as a way for me try and do something new to change my life in the most positive way possible. I am always trying to keep an open mind when doing new things in order to get the most out of that experience.
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